I have been married to the same woman for close to 2 million years and with Valentine's right around the corner, I thought I would share my extensive wisdom with regards to keeping your lovely loved one happy and content. What does any of this have to do with the title of this post? If you have to ask that stupid question, you haven't been married to the same woman for 3.2 billion years (yeah, the number got larger, but what do you expect, I've been watching the Stimulus Bill all week).
The trick to keeping a woman happy is to not give a damn. Once you past that lovely little milestone, its pretty much a self-imposed suicide watch from then on.
So anyhow, here is my master plan to Valentine's bliss on a dime.
The first thing you do is save up a little money to send your darling to the movies. That's right, you send her to the movies alone or with her friends on Valentines day. Coordinating with other men really helps sell the con, but be mindful how much of the plan you share with that one "whipped" friend.
Getting her to go off alone is easy to accomplish if you both have busy schedules, just tell her you want to make a special dinner for the both of you to enjoy, but you need some time to get everything just right. If her eyes glisten and she has that little "I love you smirk" - you're good to go!
The movie of choice for the Valentine couples this year is, He's Just Not That Into You. Okay a warning for my young love padawans, unless you are an incredibly hip gay man or a woman, this movie has been declared torturous under the Geneva Convention. Heck, even the guards at GITMO wouldn't show this to their prisoners, it is just too harsh.
Okay... just a moment please... I get choked up thinking about some poor twenty-two year old jihad spouting terrorist having to watch this movie.... Is there no end to our cruelty to one another?!
Once her big butt hits the doorway set the alarm for twenty minutes prior to her coming home and then take a nap. Alternately, you could watch a good quality movie (with bullets of course), or jump online for some quick FPS kills.
When the alarm goes off, boil some hot dogs, nuke some chili, shred some cheddar (be careful not to look too domestically competent), and bathe the room in soft candle light. As a music aficionado I would suggest Sadao Watanabe's Stray Birds on the Maisha cd as a smooth winner that screams depth, warmth, and class. As for a wine selection, after that movie, anything in a box will do!
I guarantee a GREAT Valentines Day! (Even if she leaves you!)
-Rick Beagle
What is this Feeling from the musical Wicked
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